


Shadows of Brown and Blue

by orphan_account



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Barebacking, Boys In Love, Bullying, Closure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epilogue, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, M/M, My First Fanfic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, This is emotional, Work In Progress, but barely, i don't know how to tag, lukas' pov, only mentions of Anne Shea, philip's pov, this is dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-06 01:58:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11026221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Home is no longer a place, a house. It is no longer the warmth of a motherly embrace. Home is in the shadows of brown and blue eyes, in common memories of love and loss, of mothers gone; of soft touches and breathless kisses, in the memory of their tangled bodies on a crappy motel bed.





	1. The walls are falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in this fandom and it is kinda scary to post it. I've read so many good ones, and those are pieces of art.
> 
> I had to write this for several reasons. First, you know you can check out of the Philkas fandom anytime you want - but really, you can never leave. I had to put my own twist on the epilogue out there.  
> English is not my primary language, so this is my way of experiencing and learning how to write better English. I love the English language, more than I love French and Spanish, languages I speak but will never ever try to apply on a fic.  
> I love writing, and I've written small snippets of texts before, to myself, and one fic shared in another fandom but not on this site; so this is kind of my baptism, and it's exciting.  
> Last but not least, I was heavily inspired by two other Philkas authors (you know who you are), and my admiration for your works is endless.
> 
> You are very welcome to leave comments and corrections of grammar or other things you think I would find useful. Please be gentle with me.
> 
> This is the very short but first chapter in a story that will hopefully go on for a while. I will try to update every week. I hope you'll enjoy it.
> 
> EDIT: So I suddenly realized I've tagged the whole thing wrong. In the US underage means under 16, in my country it's considered under 18, so I'm fixing this now. I'm also adding the explicit warning, since that's how it's gonna be eventually.
> 
> EDIT 2: The next chapter is on the way, I just have too much on my plate right now, so I take my time writing the next chapters. I want them to be better than the previous. I cringe a little at those, but oh well...

Two weeks after it all went down, reality has barely kicked in. Philip can’t quite believe his mother is gone for good this time; that there won’t be any more hidden phone calls between them, no more making plans for a future back in the city, no more quiet confessions or his mother running her hands through his hair, Philip’s head resting in her lap. Days pass in a misty haze, and he can’t see the end of it. He wants to stay there, behind the walls of his mind, to keep reality at bay. Philip knows the moment the walls fall, the memory of his mother will begin to fade, little by little, until the only thing left will be the framed picture of them standing on his bedside table. The thought of that is unbearable.

Every night, the walls fall.

The last time they met, Philip sat on a bench in the park at the rehab center, his mother leaning against his shoulder, and Gabe patiently waiting by his car in the background. Philip had a sudden urge to talk to his mom about everything. He needed to vent and ask for advice. Philip wanted so bad to tell Helen everything, and he was so scared Lukas wouldn’t wake up from his coma. He was a walking bundle of nerves, ready to burst any time now. That morning his mom was there for him, listening, caring; and begging him not to tell. Philip barely argued, knowing that if he told Helen the whole story she would never trust him again. Not even Gabe would support him. His mother just wanted what was best for him, and she knew it would take time for her to get it together. Helen and Gabe were there to care for Philip in her place, and in a much better way than she ever could – or even would be able to in the future. Philip got that all too well. So he stayed quiet. Instead of going further down that line of thought, he decided to enjoy being so close to his mom he could touch her, breath in the smell of her flowery shampoo and the cigarette in her hand, and it felt like home.

Lying in his bed now, Philip feels as if he has lost more than the only person he was attached to from birth. He’s lost his home in more ways than one. Both his geographical home located in the city, and the one person that ever felt like home before he met Lukas. The staggering realization that he’ll never see his mother ever again and that he is in part responsible for that, has him teared up and gasping. The room closes in on him and all the air is sucked out of it. He feels dizzy, and he wants to throw up. His body shakes and he feels so cold. Through shivers and quiet tears Philip reaches out in the dark to find the steady rise and fall of Lukas’ chest beside him and tries to breathe in sync with him. He can feel Lukas’ warm breath on his face; he can almost taste him. It calms Philip down, slowly, like it does every night.

Philip has only disconnected memories of the last two weeks. He has no sense of time, and two weeks could easily have been two months as far as he’s concerned. He remembers staying in the hospital with Lukas, but the time spent there is a blur. Vague memories of Helen and Gabe arranging for him to stay with Lukas so they could comfort each other, of hours spent crying on the bathroom floor in Lukas’ room, of turning down food because just the mere thought of it made him feel like throwing up. These memories intertwine with the memories of the both of them lying beside each other in Lukas’ bed, of Lukas holding him tight in his arms, kissing his forehead and catching his tears with his right thumb repeatedly, as he cups Philip’s face in his hand and whispers quietly into his ear. Philip can’t remember a word of what was said.

The muffled sounds of nighttime at the ward behind the closed door blending smoothly with Lukas’ calm breath on the side of his neck, his lips slowly brushing his skin light and sweet. The feeling of Lukas running his fingers through his hair and down his jawline, gently kissing his face; his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his lips. The softness they share when they kiss calm and slow. Philip remembers this, but even that memory has a soft blur to it. He remembers more clearly the worried look in Lukas’ crystal blue eyes. He remembers the fire in his own stomach trying to fight the dark winter of his mind.

After the events in days past, loving and being loved by Lukas is both a struggle and a need.

Guilt is eating Philip up from the inside, like a fretting animal, adding to the aching of his torn up heart. Philip is aware, with doubtless certainty, that if he’d told Helen what he knew to begin with, his mother would still be alive. He also knows that Lukas is partly responsible. Lukas had begged him not to tell, and Philip obliged. He should be mad at Lukas. He should push Lukas away. But Lukas, he’s the one constant in his life now. Lukas is always close by, never leaving his side. His steadfast and faithful devotion envelops Philip in everything they do, everywhere they are.

Somehow, Lukas manages to convince both Helen and Gabe and his own father that they don’t do very well on their own, and that staying together for an indefinite period of time is for the better. The two nights they spent apart after they both came home from the hospital, is now but a bitter and sore memory, one they never want to relive. It was equally nerve-wrecking for Helen, Gabe and Bo. The second night, Helen reached for the phone to call Bo, only to hear him knocking at their door, Lukas tucked in a blanket in the car, waiting. Without Lukas close, Philip’s panic attacks take over his life. Lukas is the only one able to calm him by his mere presence; it’s the only way Philip knows Lukas is alive and safe, and not the fallen victim of a vicious murderer, like his mother. Without Philip, Lukas can’t sleep, can’t breathe, can’t function. Philip has been Lukas’ rock through the whole ordeal. Philip knows he’s the only one able to ground him. The beauty of this mess is the ever growing bond between them getting stronger every day, and the unfathomable love they share for each other. Philip no longer knows where he ends and Lukas begins. In his mind, they are one, and both their hearts beat to the sound of silence. The silence of each of their mothers gone. They are bound together in life as they are bound through death; the killer made sure of that.

Home is no longer a place, a house. It is no longer the warmth of a motherly embrace. Home is in the shadows of brown and blue eyes, in common memories of love and loss, of mothers gone; of soft touches and breathless kisses, in the memory of their tangled bodies on a crappy motel bed.

Lukas, asleep, is lying beside him, his face and body turned towards Philip, their noses almost touching, both breathing in each other’s space. Lukas’s right hand lies heavy and relaxed on Philip’s hip. Philip’s hands are gently pressed to Lukas’ bare chest. Lukas’ heart beats steadily to the cadence of their combined breaths, and Philip feels his mind finally drifting into sleep. A quiet _“Lukas” _escapes his lips as his eyes close.__

____

Soon the room is quiet. Only their breaths can be heard in the silence.

____


	2. Only a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lukas’ entire world has been turned upside down the last months, and two weeks ago it went completely haywire. He thought getting shot would be the end of it all, but instead, he and Philip wound up being kidnapped and then Bo Waldenbeck suddenly turned soft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is also a little short, it's just a little peek inside of Lukas' head too. More chapters to come. Don't worry, there'll be dialogue.

Lukas’ entire world has been turned upside down the last months, and two weeks ago it went completely haywire. He thought getting shot would be the end of it all, but instead, he and Philip wound up being kidnapped and then Bo Waldenbeck suddenly turned soft. 

The past months, only three things ruled Lukas’ life; the fear of the killer coming back to get them, his father finding out about his feelings for Philip, and Philip’s presence in every thought and every waking part of his life. It was a mess he never thought he would be able to untangle. 

Philip and Lukas barely escaped Ryan Kane’s deadly shots when Helen figured out who he was and went after him. Went after _them _. She found Lukas in the trunk of Kane’s car, and Philip at gunpoint. She never hesitated. Kane was a dead man the moment she saw his hand twitch around the gun.__

____

It’s still difficult to believe they’re alive and safe and together now.

____

After watching his defenseless son brought unconscious and wounded to the hospital twice, Lukas’ estranged father decided it was time he reconnected with his teenage son and all of a sudden became affectionate and understanding; the understanding part still a challenge for Bo, but he really was trying. Suddenly having a gay son, which he apparently was the whole time to begin with, was as difficult for his father to accept as it had been for Lukas himself to acknowledge. This was such an uncharacteristic side of his father’s personality, that Lukas at the time got more confused than grateful. Eventually he started to appreciate his father’s change of character, but they still had a long road to clear ahead of them. Lukas was hopeful though.

____

And then there’s Philip. Philip, who already dealt with being the child of a single mother addicted to drugs, dead at the hands of a brutal murderer. Philip, who had to endure Lukas’ insecurities and literally be his crutch through the whole ordeal. Philip, the boy whose sudden appearance in Tivoli made such an impact, that Lukas found himself questioning his own life in a matter of minutes.

____

It took only a moment for their eyes to lock and the world to shift. Lukas’s life as he knew it up until then ended abruptly. He spent weeks searching his own feelings, refusing to believe what he discovered about himself, but unable to stop himself from making contact with the one person he couldn’t go a single day without thinking about. At that point, he never thought he would end up in a crappy motel, shot and on the run, having sex with the most beautiful creature he’d ever met. There were no intentions to begin with, wounded as he was, and Philip so scared he barely kept it together and yet, still by Lukas’ side, keeping _him _from falling apart.__

____

____

____

Bewildered by Philip’s loyalty and strength, kindness, bottomless brown eyes and pouty lips, Lukas’ surrender was immediate, passionate and unquestionable. They melted into each other in a mess of tangled limbs, floppy hair and deep wet kisses. There wasn’t an inch of air between them, flush together as they were, connected by the most basic of instincts. Finally; _finally _, Lukas felt at home.__

____

______ _ _

____

For Lukas, nothing had ever felt so right.

____

______ _ _

____

The memory of Philip’s body tangled up in his own in such a beautiful mess lingered. It was the only memory able to suppress the horrible images of his nightmares.

____

______ _ _

____

Waking up from another breath-stealing nightmare, Lukas reaches for Philip and moves closer. Philip shifts in his sleep, turning his back on Lukas. He moves again, hugging Philip’s waist, Lukas’ right hand on his chest above the heart. Lying flush against Philip’s body like that, their skin touching, Philip’s heart beating steadily beneath his hand, it takes only a minute for Lukas to fall back to sleep.

____

______ _ _

____


	3. Lightning and darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can hear Philip sigh quietly, or maybe it was more of a yawn. Lukas doesn’t know, but he can feel Philip coming to life under his skin and lips, and a fire lights in his stomach. It’s like the click of a button. Every time Philip moves under Lukas’ hands he can feel electricity pass between them, as if Philip has some kind of magical power that just turns Lukas on. Except for the magic part, it’s not far from the truth, but to Lukas the magic lies in the fact that Philip hasn’t turned him away; that Philip needs him as much as Lukas needs Philip.

When Lukas opens his eyes in the morning Philip is still asleep, his long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks, his face golden, lit by the sun peeking through the blinds. Philip is lying on his back, one arm thrown back over his head, the other resting on his abdomen. His mouth is open, his lips soft and pink. His bare chest moves with his breathing, up and down, rising and falling. Sleepy and slowly he turns his face away from Lukas, revealing a perfect jawline and long neck to his awestruck boyfriend. What a sight to wake up to.

Lukas _can’t _look away, _doesn’t _look away. And then he realizes _he doesn’t have to _. This is his now. Philip is his. It’s still difficult at times to wrap his head around that, especially remembering what he’s put him through. It’s almost unbelievable that someone as soft, beautiful and kind as Philip would ever want a guy like him, Lukas thinks, his insecurities catching him at point blank.______

________ _ _ _ _

Lukas is afraid to move in case it’ll startle Philip and wake him up. He looks so peaceful.

________ _ _ _ _

______He lies down again on his pillow, head in hand, watching him. His right hand makes its way on its own to Philips shoulder, the round of it so appealing he has to place a small kiss there, on the silky smooth skin._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

______But then, as it often happens with Lukas when he touches Philip, he’s unable to break contact._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

______The tip of his tongue tentatively darts out through his lips and makes Philip’s shoulder wet and sleek. Philip moves in his sleep, stretching his body, and Lukas backs up a little, his hand still on Philip’s arm._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

______He can sense Philip waking up slowly and he lies back down turned towards him, his lips touching Philip’s right shoulder and his hand gripping at the other one._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

______He can hear Philip sigh quietly, or maybe it was more of a yawn. Lukas doesn’t know, but he can feel Philip coming to life under his skin and lips, and a fire lights in his stomach. It’s like the click of a button. Every time Philip moves under Lukas’ hands he can feel electricity pass between them, as if Philip has some kind of magical power that just turns Lukas on. Except for the magic part, it’s not far from the truth, but to Lukas the magic lies in the fact that Philip hasn’t turned him away; that Philip needs him as much as Lukas needs Philip._ _ _ _ _ _

______They’ve never really talked about it, it’s just kind of a silent understanding between them. When they’re apart, Lukas feels empty and hollow, like he’s missing an essential piece of himself. When they’re back together, it’s like that piece finds its natural place inside him, settling somewhere between his heart and his stomach, gripping back at his spine, and every time Philip touches him, he can feel lightning going through his body. It lights such a fierce fire in his stomach he has to let it out somehow, and the only way he can do that is by touching Philip himself, leading the lightning from his spine, to his fingertips and through Philip’s skin, back into the core of him._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

______Maybe that’s what has been keeping them alive and safe. Although, the last two weeks, Philip has seemed closer to death than Lukas was being shot. If it wasn’t such an essential part of loving Philip, Lukas would’ve felt it was a full time job keeping him from literally crumbling and falling apart. But for now, and probably for as long as they live, Lukas thinks, it’ll be his privilege to be good to Philip._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

______He wants to see Philip smile again, and until he does, he’s going to do his god damn best keeping him together._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

Philip turns his face back towards him, his eyes still closed. His left hand rises and grips at Lukas’ arm laying over his chest, his fingers skating up and down Lukas’ skin. Slowly, Philip opens his eyes. He looks at Lukas.

________ _ _ _ _

_______“Hey” _, Lukas smiles softly.__ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Hey” _. Philip doesn’t smile, but he doesn’t frown either and he doesn’t look away. There’s still a darkness in him that seeps through his gaze.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Lukas can feel the weight of Philip’s sadness but doesn’t want it to take over and show in his own eyes, so he leans over to place a soft kiss on Philip’s lips. Philip kisses him back, as he always does without hesitation, even now; even after everything. The sweet taste of Philip feels so familiar and soft and nice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

For two weeks now it’s been nice and safe every morning to wake up together like this. This morning, Lukas feels like he wants more than just nice and safe; not just for himself, but for Philip. He wants Philip to feel loved; more than loved. He wants him to feel _wanted _. Like Philip made him feel back at the motel, when the world was tearing apart around them and the conclusion to their story seemed uncertain. Lukas wants Philip to have and experience the same sense of belonging that he felt then, to feel at home with him, as if nothing can touch him when they’re together. Not even the weight of his mother gone. Lukas wants Philip to forget, if only for a moment, that the world isn’t kind and gentle, but harsh and rough.__

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________They haven’t been together like in the motel in these two weeks, and so much water has passed under the bridge since then, so many tears have been shed, that Lukas is afraid Philip has forgot how to feel but sad. Lukas hasn’t tried anything, because that would just be wrong. But he’s been here the whole time, with open arms and an equally aching heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Philip’s grief has been Lukas’ grief for two whole weeks, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. But Lukas feels it’s time to bring some light into their darkness now, and wants to reel Philip out of his gloomy cocoon. Philip has been nestled in bed or tucked in a blanket on the couch downstairs most of the time, leaning on Lukas or just lying down, and he just can’t let Philip _wither _anymore.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________So Lukas decides to take a chance and jump in the water, and he hopes not to drown in the darkness that has enveloped them the last weeks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will Lukas do? 
> 
> How will Philip react? 
> 
> How well do we know our boys?
> 
> The next chapter will be really hard for me to write. I feel like a virgin. Play nice.


	4. Beautiful mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip’s left leg hitches on to Lukas’ hip, and Philip moves against him and it feeds the fire in Lukas’ belly in such a way that Philip’s name escapes his mouth in a soft cry for more. And then Philip voices the need as a soft and broken _“Please” _escapes his bruised lips in a breathless plea.__
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> ___  
> 

Lukas lies still for a moment. After kissing Philip, whether the kiss is soft or passionate, he always likes to stay in the moment for a while, his forehead leaning on Philip’s.

He can never get over the soft swell and plushness of his lips. Most of the time, Philip’s lips drive him crazy. It was one of the first things he noticed about him way back when Philip made his appearance in Red Hook High. The lips and the hair. And then his eyes. His composure. His lack of pretense. Everything about him, really.

To be honest, it’s really difficult to decide what Philip’s best feature is. A moment ago it was his lips; but now, Lukas thinks, it’s probably his eyes. The bottomless brown of Philip’s gaze is hypnotizing and Lukas’ mind drifts away in dreams and hopes and wishes for a few seconds before he gets back to reality and to what he wants to do here and now.

He wants to make Philip understand just how loved he is, without saying it, because saying it out loud seems too risky right now. He wants it to be special the first time he tells Philip about his true feelings. He wants Philip to be out of his somber cocoon by then; at least a little more alive than he is now. But Philip has to know that he’s loved, and Lukas is ready to show him the only way he thinks he can.

They’ve been locking eyes in silence, lying still for a minute or two and Lukas’ right hand is cupping Philip’s face. Lukas runs his hand to the back of Philip’s head and pulls him closer, Philip’s mouth slightly open, as if he were to ask a question, and Lukas just _can’t _anymore.__

__

__Without delay, in one swift move, he takes Philip’s lips with his own, licking soft but determined into his mouth. His mouth crushes Philip’s firmly, but still tender. Lukas’ hand cups the back of Philip’s head, and he can hear and feel Philip sighing softly, his left hand tracking Lukas’s skin, from his chest to his neck to his hair. Philip moves closer and tangles his legs in Lukas’ legs, his fingers carding through Lukas’ hair. They lie chest to chest now, Lukas on his left side, Philip on his right, flush together, and nothing can come between them. Lukas’ mouth is glued to Philip’s, their tongues licking into each other’s mouths passionately._ _

____

Lukas feels victorious for some reason. Should he have done this sooner? Or did he just choose the right moment to act? 

__

Lukas doesn’t know, but he’s sure of one thing: he isn’t letting Philip pull away, and thankfully Philip doesn’t even try. In fact, Lukas can hear Philip moaning softly into the kiss getting deeper, and Philip’s body stretches out and tries to push even closer into Lukas. Lukas can feel a fire burning hot in his belly and in his chest. It is want; _desire _; _need _; but it’s so much more than that. Suddenly, Lukas feels like crying, and his eyes start to water.____

__

___ _

__

___He tugs at Philip, his right hand tracking down his back and onto his ass. He wants to be, _needs _to be so close, _so close _. He’s almost on top of Philip now, Philip clutching at his shoulder with one hand, the other gripping Lukas’ right thigh, their lips glued together. Lukas groans into the kiss and he can’t stop, _can’t stop _. His grip on Philip gets tighter and he can feel that Philip likes it, it’s like he wants to bury himself inside Lukas. And goddamn, if Lukas doesn’t want to be his shelter!_______ _ _

______ _ _

Lukas is on fire now, and he can feel Philip burn too, their moves getting more desperate and passionate with every gasp, every touch, every passing second. Lukas kisses Philip’s jawline, sucking at his neck, Philip panting and moaning softly, his mouth open and lips bruised red. There are no soft touches anymore, they can’t wait, _can’t wait _, the need they have for each other is _too strong _and Lukas can feel tears streaming down his face and a sob at the end of his lips. He can hear a buzz in his head getting louder and the sob is no longer in him but out in the open, laid bare with his tears streaming hot down his cheeks.____

_________ _ _ _ _ _

_“Lukas” _? he can hear Philip’s voice whisper through the buzz, trembling with emotion. Philip cranes his head back, his left hand palming Lukas’ cheek, a worried look on his face. When he looks at Lukas and their eyes lock, Lukas’ face red hot with tears and a distraught look in his gaze, Philip’s eyes widen and start to water too. Soon, Philip’s face is as teared up as Lukas’.__

_________ _ _ _ _ _

__

_________ _ _ _ _ _

___“Philip – I, - I…” _Lukas doesn’t know where to begin. He’s always been a young man of few words, and now it seems like he lost them all to the overwhelming mixed feelings of love and pain and want and guilt and worry and –__ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“Lukas.” _Philip’s voice is trembling. _“Lukas, I’m here, I see you” _, he whispers.____

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas can’t tell Philip how he feels, but he can see in his eyes that he understands. Philip gets it. How could he not? Philip always gets him. Philip knows that Lukas loves him more than he’s able to express in words; more than he’s ever said out loud, words never spoken between them. But that’s the beauty of their relationship, Lukas thinks. They don’t really need to say it out loud. It’s just nice if they do. And eventually he will. But right now, there’s nothing else in the world he wants to do than make Philip moan with uninhibited desire on his lips, abandon in his gaze. 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They’re both sobbing quietly when their lips meet again, and this time Lukas’ touch is soft when he runs his right hand down Philip’s cheek, cupping his face, before tracing his skin down from his neck, to his ribs, to the waistband of his boxers.  
Their eyes are locked, staring into each other’s souls. His hand slips under the waistband, grabbing tender but firmly onto Philip’s ass, pushing him closer. He can feel Philip’s length, hard with want through his own underwear, and all he can think about is getting them both naked.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Philip’s left leg hitches on to Lukas’ hip, and Philip moves against him and it feeds the fire in Lukas’ belly in such a way that Philip’s name escapes his mouth in a soft cry for more. And then Philip voices the need as a soft and broken _“Please” _escapes his bruised lips in a breathless plea.__

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas doesn’t waist anymore time and quickly rips off Philip’s boxers and then his own, almost without breaking contact between their lips, their legs untangling for a brief moment, and Philip is helping eagerly. Philip’s eyes are locked in his; big, brown, filled with desire and sadness at once, but Lukas can see and feel the love in them. Philip spreads his legs, Lukas settling between them, and the feeling, _the sensation _of their naked skin, their cocks sliding together is more than Lukas can take.__

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There’s a long groan emerging from his throat as he rocks down on Philip and Philip moves with him, holding on to his ass, pulling him closer. Philip’s making small noises of pleasure, moaning his name over and over, bucking up to meet him in his thrusts, and Lukas just wants to bury himself in Philip. He wants to slide inside Philip, as he did back at the motel, but at the same time he can’t break contact, doesn’t want to. He can’t think of stopping what they’re doing, can’t be an inch apart, he’ll die if they have to separate, no matter the reason. 

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas kisses Philip breathless with slow and languid thrusts against him. And then, then he can feel Philip’s hand on his cock, and then both his hands around both of their lengths together and Lukas didn’t think it could get any better _but it does _. He gives Philip some space so that he can work them together sliding his hands up and down and Lukas is in heaven now. His eyes lock with Philip’s again and both of them thrust into Philip’s warm and firm grip and before long, something inside Lukas breaks, pouring itself into his veins like fire and stardust all at once; his breath hitches as Philip’s name escapes his lips and he spills on his stomach. He can see Philip come too, his eyes almost rolling to the back of his head, his neck and chest arching up and he cries _“Lukas!” _and suddenly Lukas' stomach is sticky and sweaty with Philip’s come too and Lukas’ body can’t stop shaking and he has to lie down, trying not to crush Philip.____

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas lies down, their bellies still touching, warm and sticky, their chests wet with sweat. Lukas’ nose is nuzzling into Philip’s neck between his jaw and his shoulder, and Lukas loves the warmth he finds there and places a small wet kiss on Philip’s skin. Philip’s arms are around him, splayed out on his back, skating his skin up and down the spine, one hand eventually find the back of Lukas’ head, twitching his hear a little. He can hear Philip sigh, and then a small sob escapes his mouth and Philip kisses the exact same spot on Lukas’ own neck.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I love you.”

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas hears the three little words from Philip and his heart flutters. He wants to say it back, but right now he’s out of words, his mouth dry but his soul filled to the brim with love. A sob escapes him too, and he takes Philip in his arms, rocking them softly back and forth as he cards his hand through Philip’s hair, holding him tight with the other.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas knows that Philip knows. And Lukas also knows there’ll be a time and a place to tell Philip just how much he means to him, and that he’ll never be able to part from him ever.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

For now, Lukas is happy Philip feels more than just sadness. He feels love, and love is what ultimately sets you free. Lukas would know; he was freed two weeks ago, when he realized being without Philip was no longer an option and being together was what kept them from falling apart.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

In time, Philip will smile again, and Lukas will feel less guilt, but maybe he’ll always worry. If there’s anything he’s sure of though, it’s that he’ll do everything in his power to make Philip happy.

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me some time to write, mostly because it's my first time ever writing smut - and I hate calling it smut or porn. To me it's love, you know, the kind that fills you to the brim with emotions. Emotions are hard to write within the frames of a given character, but I've tried my best and hope you'll find Philip and Lukas to be in character, although there's not much dialogue yet.  
> The reason for that, is that I wanted this to be quiet and slow and emotional in the beginning, Philip very much still just existing in his head, and Lukas being a young man of few words, just trying to make space for him and give Philip the opportunity to eventually come out of his shell. Lukas is trying his best, the only way he can.


	5. Hold on to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip remembers now, that there’s a whole world waiting for him. A world and a life that includes Lukas.
> 
> Philip's pov of that same morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They say life is what happens while you're busy doing other stuff. Well, it finally caught up with me, so this took me some time to write.
> 
> I cringe a little at it, because wow. I've read so many good, even perfect fics, that this comes across as not even mediocre.
> 
> Anyways, this fic isn't beta'ed at all, so anything that reads really bad, is completely my own doing.
> 
> I'll be updating this again soon; it won't be abandoned. I promise.
> 
> EDIT: of course, things doesn't always work as I plan, so here I am editing the body of this work, yet again. I'll never get used to this format. Hoping it's more readable now. The archive isn't helpful that way.

When Philip wakes up that morning, before opening his eyes, he can feel hot streaks of sunlight hitting his face, and Lukas’ breath on his right shoulder, his hand on the other. Lukas’ tongue is tasting his skin tentatively. It’s warm and wet, and it tickles a little. For some reason it feels grounding. The weight of Lukas’ arm upon his chest is reassuring, the warmth of his skin almost gluing his arm to Philip. 

Philip realizes he loves waking up to Lukas’ touch; it feels nice and safe, and very much like home. The day will eventually come when Lukas has to return to his father, sleep in his own bed, and they’ll both have to deal with their nightmares on their own. Philip silently and willingly drowns in the feeling of Lukas’ warm body against his every morning, and he refuses to resurface if it means letting go of him.

Philip suddenly thinks he hasn’t been able to show his appreciation for Lukas the way he wants to and the way Lukas deserves the last two weeks. The all-consuming grief has reduced him to a sad illusion of a person. He feels hollow, yet filled with sadness; and he feels weak, but full of anger; somber, wanting to stay in the dark, but still longing for the light. Philip is conflicted. He knows he’s entitled to grieve his mother, but it consumes him to the point of almost choking him. He’s said very few words since he got the news about his mom’s passing. Right before and after the funeral a few days ago, he could only produce soft and quiet sobs, trying to hold on to the image of his mother the last time he saw her. And each time he tries to picture her in his mind, the memory of her weary and loving smile, the softness of her hands and her long wavy hair fades a little. Philip prefers to retreat behind the walls of his mind, to keep her alive. He can barely see Lukas, Gabe and Helen on the outside, trying to break through. 

At night, his nightmares tear him down, piece by piece, memory by memory, until there’s nothing left but shadows ghosting the dark hallways of his mind. In daylight, he remembers what should’ve been, what he should’ve done; how things could’ve ended. 

What never changes is his body always being close to Lukas. Whether he sits, stands or lies down, Lukas is there to support him, both physically and morally. Lukas envelops him in soothing kisses, warm embraces, and soft whispers. To Philip, Lukas is life, is everything. Lukas might be the only one able to push through the haze and brick by brick, bring the walls down.

Now that the walls are falling, reality strikes Philip hard.

He used to feel so small and insignificant, trying to keep up with Lukas’ back and forth games, and with the killer on their tail. He’d settled with that feeling because he knew there was nowhere to hide, nowhere he could run to get away from neither. The killer wouldn’t stop until every loose end was tied. And Lukas, this unstoppable force of nature, ran over him in a whirlwind of emotions without ever pausing to take in the consequences, or so it seemed. Still, he always found the strength to keep his head high and to survive. His mom needed him; that was enough to keep going. When she died there was suddenly nothing left, except the memories of broken promises and Lukas on the verge of following her into the darkness. They had just found common ground again after Lukas’ betrayal and Philip subsequently forgiving him, their feelings still so strong for each other. 

Philip had never felt so alone in his entire life.

By a stroke of luck, Lukas survived the kidnapping and the wound in his chest continued to heal. Philip was so relieved, but at the same time so broken, he could no longer muster the energy to do anything other than lie on the floor crying. Lukas, still very weak, had comforted him and continued to do so until this day. He never wavered. His patience seemed to have no limits. Philip imagined it had something to do with Lukas losing his own mom at a young age, and remembering what that was like. And maybe Lukas also felt guilty. Guilty about what he put Philip through the last months; guilty about making a life-altering decision to keep a secret that never should have been hidden. Guilty because Anne Shea shouldn’t have died.

All these thoughts come back to him the moment he wakes up, and when he turns his head to look at Lukas, they have already settled in his gaze as overwhelming sadness and despair once again. Philip can’t stop it from happening, but this morning he sees the effect it has on Lukas. It is almost like peeking through the fog that clouds his mind and discovering there is someone out there offering comfort and a safe haven and sharing his emotions. Philip doesn’t know why this morning is different from other mornings, but maybe, he thinks, his grief has settled in his heart permanently and is now just another part of him that’ll never go away. So the only option really, is to keep going.

Lukas’ smile is so soft and quiet. _“Hey” _.__

____

_“Hey” _, he croaks back and sees a brief reflection of his own emotions in Lukas’ eyes, before Lukas leans in and kisses him softly.__

______ _ _

Philip loves Lukas’ soft kisses and kisses him back, chases Lukas’ lips when they break off. He doesn’t look away, but keeps Lukas’ gaze in his, and they lie there in silence a few minutes before he sees determination settling in the other boy’s eyes and suddenly they’re kissing again. This time it isn’t soft anymore. Lukas’ right hand runs to the back of Philip’s head, cupping it and keeping it steady and Philip just loves that. It feels so grounding and safe to be in Lukas’ hands. It also feels kind of hot, being held like that. It sparks a fire in Philip’s belly and he runs his hands up Lukas’ chest, tracing his warm skin up to his neck and settle in his floppy hair, tugging at it gently. A small moan escapes Lukas’ lips and Philip kisses Lukas fervently, leaning in as close as he can get, stretching his body so that there’s not an inch of air between them. He can feel Lukas’ right hand on his ass now, tugging him even closer and their touches get as passionate as their kisses are breathless and they’re moving together and Philip feels the fire run through his veins just as he hears a quiet sob escaping Lukas’ lips. His cheeks get wet with tears but they’re not his own and Philip can sense time ceasing to exist as he cranes his head back and sees Lukas’ teared up face, eyes wide, filled with pain, guilt, love…There’s a lump settling in his chest cutting his heart open and the pain is startling, replacing the passion that set him on fire just moments ago. Philip can’t help it, he starts crying too when he sees Lukas’ undisguised emotions and understands exactly what’s going on.

______ _ _

No one has really paid attention to Lukas’ feelings these last weeks, especially not Philip. Everyone has been concerned about Lukas’ physical wellbeing, Philip too. And everyone has been worrying about Philip as he’s been lying either in his bed or downstairs on the couch, leaning heavily on Lukas most of the time, unwilling or unable to speak. But Philip hasn’t been supportive at all towards Lukas. He’s been in his own head, building walls, refusing to engage with anyone or in anything, sadness and grief disabling him entirely. 

______ _ _

He knows that now. Grieving his mother has taken over his life completely, and he’s allowed himself to lean on Lukas without giving anything back. To Lukas, he’s been lost behind walls thick with grief and guilt, not letting anyone in, not even the one person he has left that he really cares about. 

______ _ _

Philip is suddenly torn out of his mental and very personal prison, walls collapsing, bricks crushed, the fog lifting.

______ _ _

His voice trembles as he whispers Lukas’ name. _“Lukas. I’m here. I see you.” ___

________ _ _ _ _

There’s so much more he wants to say. _I can see your pain. I can feel it. I know that strung up pain in your chest, the one that seeps out into your veins, making you feel weak, insignificant, powerless and so scared. You think that you can’t reach me, but you’re the only one able to pull me out of this darkness, to knock down the walls, to carry me when I can’t hold myself up. But no one has carried you, Lukas. You’ve kept going all alone. I’m here now Lukas, I see you, I love you and I know you love me too. That’s what’s making you cry. But you don’t have to, you don’t have to Lukas. I love you. I’m never leaving you again. Hold on to me Lukas and never let me go. ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Philip can’t say it out loud. It’s how he feels, but it would sound really cheesy and sappy saying it out loud. It wouldn’t sound as he meant it. So he’s speechless and drowned in both his own and Lukas’ tears, but he thinks he manages to communicate this through his gaze, his gentle touch, his need for Lukas. They cling to each other and Philip can see that Lukas understands what he feels right this moment. They keep gazing intensely into each other’s eyes, touching each other’s bodies with gentle hands, breathing in sync. How can eyes as cold blue as a glacier, feel so warm? Philip can feel his body heating up again, fire rising in his chest, flooding his veins and settling in his belly as a steady hot burn. Lukas clutches at him, his grip firm and no longer soft, leaving Philip’s skin almost hurt, but in a good way.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas’ hand is on Philips’s ass, pulling him even closer. They’re flush together, chest to chest, belly to belly, both hard with want, fire in their veins. Philip can feel it through his underwear, and Lukas’ hand on the bare skin of his ass, under his boxers feels so hot, so determined that he moans softly into the other boy’s mouth, wringing a groan out of him that goes straight to Philip’s dick. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Philip can’t help but hitch his leg up onto Lukas’ hip, bucking up against him, moving his own hips, grinding into Lukas’ length.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“Philip!” _Lukas moans, still sobbing a little.__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“Please, Lukas! Please!” _Philip whispers softly, he can’t take it anymore. His voice breaks and he just wants to be as close to Lukas as he possibly can.__

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas doesn’t waist anymore time, ripping off first his own boxers, then tugging on Philip’s. Philip helps him eagerly. Being separated is not an option, not even for a second, so they keep their mouths slotted together all the while, never wanting to let go. The heat between them feeds the flame when their lengths suddenly touch, skin to skin, and Philip almost faints when a long and deep groan escapes Lukas’ throat. There’s nothing sexier than Lukas letting loose. Nothing more beautiful. Philip’s body is tingling with desire, sparks fly between them, sweat breaking out on their bodies, building up energy. Lukas kisses him breathless, grinding and grinding slowly into him, and Philip wants more, and he knows Lukas wants more, but there’s no time for that now. There’s no time because that would mean separating to prepare and that’s not an alternative. Not now. The only thing that’s important right now, is reassuring each other, grounding each other, touching each other’s souls. And this, this is soul deep. Philip’s heart is opening up, tearing apart and pulling back together again, this time with Lukas’s soul buried deep inside, never ever letting go.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Having Lukas so close, their lengths rubbing together, leaving trails of searing heat in their veins make Philip put both his hands on both their cocks, sliding up and down, increasing the friction to a point of no return. He can hear Lukas’ breath hitch, a moan that’s more of a sob escaping his lips, and Lukas’ face is so close to his now, eyes wide open in wonder. Philip locks eyes with him and sees his whole life with Lukas there. This is how it’s supposed to be; how it will be. Philip and Lukas, always.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“Phil’p…” _Lukas’s breathless cry accompanies his release as his head falls down onto Philip’s shoulder, and he can barely keep himself up. It shatters something inside Philip, and he feels a downpour of heat from his heart to his belly to his balls as he spills between them, arching his neck and back up against his lover. _“Lukas” _, he whispers, eyes closed, body weak, and sweat and come smearing his skin beautifully.____

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Philip remembers now, that there’s a whole world waiting for him. A world and a life that includes Lukas.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas lies on top of him, heavy, warm and so heavenly close, his nose nuzzling the side of his neck, small kisses draping his skin softly. Philip’s arms hold him close, one hand running up and down his spine, the other carding through his hair, lightly tugging at it. Philip’s nose finds a soft spot between Lukas’ jawline and his shoulder, and he breathes in the scent of warm and sweaty skin; Lukas’ familiar scent. Adorning Lukas’ skin with tender kisses, he can’t help but whisper a soft and unconditional _“I love you” _in his ear.__

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lukas lifts his head slowly, locks eyes with him and cradles him with one arm, the other stretching to let his fingers run through Philip’s hair. He rocks them softly, hugging Philip tight. Philip closes his eyes and hugs back, and he never ever wants to let go. If he could stay like this for the rest of his life, he definitely would.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Philip thinks maybe, just maybe things will get better now. He opens his eyes and sees streaks of sunlight touch Lukas’ hair, giving him some kind of halo, and he knows now that Lukas is the light that he’s been longing for.

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	6. Pancakes, ice cream and new plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip can’t hold back laughing anymore. “You’re ridiculous”, he giggles, punching him softly. “You really gonna have one more?” he looks down on Lukas’ now empty plate. “You’ve devoured like five already. I’ve barely had two and I’m full.”
> 
> “Hey, you know I’m a bottomless pit, don’t judge me.” He looks at Philip with a grin plastered all over his face. “Besides, these pancakes are delicious. Gabe, will you teach me how to make pancakes like these? I mean, not now, but like – some other time?” He looks over at Gabe making puppy eyes while Philip chuckles quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's dialogue, god bless.
> 
> This took me forever. I sometimes prefer to read rather than write. It's a curse, I know.

Philip is smiling again. He’s sitting at the kitchen table eating Gabe’s pancakes, Lukas on his left side, so close they’re glued together from the shoulders down. Gabe is by the stove, humming over the frying pan, flipping pancakes like a pro, casting glances at them in between. He’s grinning widely, happy.

“Lukas, you ready for another one?” He looks at Lukas who’s been shuffling food in his mouth like he’s been starving and chuckles. “You really like pancakes, huh?”

“I like your pancakes” Lukas manages to breath out between bites. “No one makes pancakes at my house. I tried once. Didn’t go well. Dad almost killed me.” He’s chewing and talking and chewing, looking up at Gabe, and then stops altogether as he feels Philip’s body shaking beside him. “What?” he says, looking at him sideways, swallowing hard and putting down his fork.

Philip can’t hold back laughing anymore. “You’re ridiculous”, he giggles, punching him softly. “You really gonna have one more?” he looks down on Lukas’ now empty plate. “You’ve devoured like five already. I’ve barely had two and I’m full.”

“Hey, you know I’m a bottomless pit, don’t judge me.” He looks at Philip with a grin plastered all over his face. “Besides, these pancakes are delicious. Gabe, will you teach me how to make pancakes like these? I mean, not now, but like – some other time?” He looks over at Gabe making puppy eyes while Philip chuckles quietly.

“Sure Lukas, anytime”, Gabe’s smiling still. “Here, have the last one, I think Philip is done.” 

“Sweet!” Lukas grins again before jumping at his seat when Philip punches his arm, hard this time, and rolls his eyes at him.

Gabe looks at Philip. “Are you done, Philip? Anything else you’d like? I can - ”

“I’m fine, thank you.” Philip looks up smiling back at him, and Gabe is silently thanking god or a higher power for Philip eating again. He looks over his shoulder towards the door as Helen enters. She’d been sipping her coffee outside on the porch in solitude. She likes that a lot, sitting in silence, basking in it, before getting busy at work.

“Any pancakes left for me?” Helen asks jokingly, knowing very well Lukas ate them all, barely leaving some for Philip and Gabe.

“Too late!” Lukas laughs, finally comfortable enough around Philip’s foster parents. He’s finished eating and is removing his plate from the table carefully placing it in the dishwasher. “Philip, hand me your plate too.” He stretches out a hand to get it and Philip hands him the rest of what’s on the table. Philip hides a small smile. He’s both overwhelmed and happy about Lukas feeling so comfortable he can clear the table, not acting like a guest.

“Nice work, boys”, Gabe smiles at them. He turns towards the kitchen counter and lays down the wash cloth he held in his hand; he braces himself for what’s coming, then turns around again and goes: “Now listen, I talked to the principal yesterday and he agreed to give you guys one more week at home before heading back to school.” 

At that, both boys hang their heads, looking down at their shoes, suddenly standing very close, clutching at each other like holding on to a lifeline. Helen joins Gabe at the counter and clutches at his hand behind their backs. She squeezes it hard, nudging him into what has to be done. Gabe doesn’t feel like saying what he has to, but he does anyway, because the boys will have to face everyday life again soon. 

“Guys, I know”, he sighs, “ I know it’s hard, but you gotta get back to school, you know. And we’ll just - face the challenges together.” Helen sits down, brows slightly furrowed. Gabe has a concerned look on his face but continues: “So hear me out, ok? I talked to Bo too, because Lukas, obviously you can’t stay here forever. Your father misses you a lot and he wants you to come home on Sunday. You’ll still have today and Saturday to stay over. But we agreed on you two studying together to catch up, the next week. You can do that here or at your place, Lukas. But you guys will have to get used to being apart on weeknights.”

“What about weekends?” Philip has a lump in his throat and has difficulty speaking. His face is pale and his gaze worried. Lukas palms his cheek and locks eyes with him. He can feel Philip starting to shake and he tries to comfort him by holding him so tight his body can’t move. They’re both afraid of going back to school, but for different reasons. Philip because it’ll feel so unsettling not having to worry about what his mom is doing; if she’s holding on to rehab; if he can hide out somewhere and call her. Lukas because he won’t know how to be around Philip when all he wants is for the world to know about their relationship, be done with it and just move on; but he knows it’ll take an effort to come out and he’s just not ready yet to disclose everything. What if he were to take Philip’s hand in his by accident; or stroke his back; or just lean on him? People would freak out because that’s just not who he is as far as they know. 

Why do things have to be so complicated?

Helen and Gabe look at each other and Gabe nods silently to his wife. None of them are comfortable with this, but getting things back to normal is the only thing that will help Philip, and Lukas too, in the long run. Parenting is more difficult than they ever thought, but they love Philip now. They have to do what’s best for him.

“You guys can hang out all you want in the weekends, and have sleepovers, but you’ll have to stay at Bo’s farm too sometimes. He really, really misses you, Lukas.” Helen frowns sympathetically. She knows Lukas’ father has come around and things are getting better, but it doesn’t mean that Bo isn’t struggling to understand. It tends to complicate things for Lukas. As if things weren’t complicated enough already.

“Yeah.” Lukas nods. “Yeah, I get that. I do miss him too. It’s just…” Lukas can’t finish what he was going to say because really, he doesn’t know what to say. He knows they’re right though, and he knows life is catching up with them, finally. He just doesn’t want it to, and neither does Philip.

*

They’re in the barn. Helen just drove off for work and Gabe heading to a meeting in Red Hook. They’re all alone and can do whatever they want, but somehow they just end up where they feel the most secure. The barn has been their go-to place the last months and nothing bad has ever happened here. It’s a safe place to stay. It’s also kinda cozy. Before The Day Everything Changed, Philip had brought several blankets and an old comforter he found in a closet out there. They’ve been huddled up in the blankets upon the comforter many times before, as they are now, a new playlist on Lukas’ phone filling their ears and minds, trying to avoid intrusive thoughts about going back to school so soon. Philip isn’t succeeding, and Lukas catches on. He can see Philip’s pouting, arms crossed over his chest, all tense. He can feel it too since they’re practically in each other’s space, legs tangled together, Philip’s head resting on Lukas’ shoulder, his hand twitching at Lukas’ shirt restlessly.

“Hey”, Lukas whispers as he cradles Philip’s head, his thumb brushing over his lower lip and up his cheek. “We still have a week, ok? And – and this weekend. We’ll make the most of it, yeah?”

Philip nods but says nothing, just sighs quietly.

“Ok, listen”, Lukas says optimistically, “What about we do something fun today? I think maybe – maybe we need to get out more before school starts.” It’ll be hard enough going back to school in a week. Maybe they should try something less frightening first. Like just be together in public, without being forced to. Just have a good time. He cards his fingers through Philip’s hair gently with one hand, the other tugging softly at his shirt. “Let’s take a ride on the bike and then go get some ice cream”, he smiles. It’ll be easy, he thinks. No one will pay attention to a couple dudes eating ice cream on a hot day in the park. They have to start with easy. They have to start somewhere.

Lukas stares at him but doesn’t get any response but a light shrug. He tugs at him, running his hand up and down Philip’s arm calmly, leans down to kiss his forehead. “It’ll be ok”, he whispers, “I’ll be with you the whole time, we’ll be together and we’ll just chill, yeah?”

Philip tilts his face up towards Lukas’, eyes wide and mouth half open. “Okay. Okay, yeah”, he says quietly, his arm still lying over Lukas’ chest, hand clutching at his shoulder. He removes it, stretches out a little untangling their legs, rising slowly from his comfortable rest.

*

Lukas doesn’t drive as fast as he used to. He’s still kind of weary the bike will hit a bump in the road or some car hitting them randomly, even if that doesn’t make sense at all. That’s not what happened to him. He was shot, mid-air, and fell into the lake he was trying to cross by literally jumping over it on the bike. But nowadays everything feels weird and scary. He doesn’t want Philip to get hurt. So better being safe than sorry, he thinks to himself. He can feel Philip’s arms tightly wrapped around his waist, Philip’s hands against his chest, his torso glued to his back; a familiar warmth he clings to.

Philip is surprised at how good this feels, being back on the bike with Lukas, almost wrapped around him entirely, they’re so close. He might not really be into motocross, but he sure is into Lukas. Come to think of it, he’s actually more than just into him. His heart skips beats thinking about yesterday morning; how it almost felt like it was their first time again being so intimate. How they’d repeated that this morning, only this time they used their mouths instead of their hands and Philip thought he’d woken up in heaven. It’s like they’re working their way up to something bigger, something even more fulfilling, something otherworldly shimmering like a star in the distance. The short moments of passion they shared in the motel are so distant now, like a dream. What they share now just gets deeper and deeper every time they touch each other intimately. Philip can hardly wait until it happens again; until Lukas becomes just another part of him, an extension he can move with the clench of his muscles, as if they were fused together. Just thinking about it lights a fire in his belly.

Philip decides to stop pouting. Maybe things won’t be so bad after all. He tries being grateful instead, for things going back to normal. And for this new normal; Lukas not afraid of being seen with him in public. If this new normal includes intimate and close moments with Lukas, stolen or not, he’ll take it and try leaving the sadness behind.

*

They’re at the Café. Lukas is paying for their ice creams at the counter while Philip strolls out the door, ice cream in hand, not wanting to cling to Lukas in public. He’s heading towards a lonely bench in the park across the street. He sits down to wait for Lukas, actually enjoying the taste of strawberry ice cream cooling his lips and tongue. When he sees Lukas he waves at him, and Lukas looks around for cars as he crosses the road. There aren’t any, but they both see Rose further down the street. She’s walking up to them as Lukas sits down at the bench.

“Hey, guys!” She’s smiling and by the looks of her she’s doing ok considering Lukas broke up with her a few weeks ago. She knows about them and has for a while, so none of them feel awkward about that. But except for their short stay at the hospital, the boys haven’t been out in public together since…well, since the end of everything. And now everything feels kind of weird.

Rose hugs both before sitting down with them, Lukas now in the middle. Philip can see that he feels a little uneasy at that, his ex-girlfriend on one side, Philip on the other. Lukas clams up and just eats his ice cream in silence, leaving Philip and Rose to talk about an upcoming party the next weekend.

“So it’ll be in Red Hook, at Ellie’s. Her parents are out of town Friday through sunday. She said Friday would be a good day to throw the party, and everyone and their mother are coming. You up?” She looks at Philip first, then at Lukas. Lukas looks at Philip, of course. If anyone is going to make a decision about going to a party, it should be Philip. Lukas will go wherever Philip goes anyway.

Philip isn’t sure he’s up for a party so soon so he just shrugs glancing sideways at Lukas. 

“We’ll think about it”, he tells Rose quietly, and Rose knows not to push. Both boys seem a little out of it; not uncomfortable; just as if being outside in public is weird. Philip is aware of Rose noticing it. It’s been just the two of them most of the time, except for their parents, the last weeks. Maybe Lukas was right when he said they had to get out more before school starts. 

For now, he settles with eating ice cream with his boyfriend in the park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On summer break now, so it might take som time for me to update, but it WILL be updated. I never leave unfinished work behind.


	7. Just Philip and Lukas and the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing. The boys get some sort of closure.

Lukas is finally coming to terms with who he is, much thanks to Gabe and Helen, and surprisingly enough, also Bo. The last week before they have to go back to school, the boys spend much of their time on the Caldwell farm still, although Lukas leaves every night to go home to his father. 

Lukas and Bo are both trying hard to understand each other better, and Bo insists on them eating dinner together every day again, like they did before Lukas started spending so much time with Philip. Bo even invites Philip over for dinner one evening, which ends awkwardly in a stuttering sex talk none of them ever asked for. Bo has a hard time getting to the point while the boys sit flushed and embarrassed, holding hands beneath the table. Just because they can’t get pregnant, it doesn’t mean they have to be stupid about it. Sex means responsibility. That’s something Bo says flat out. This was their second talk, the first being delivered one late afternoon on the Caldwell porch. Lukas has a hard time deciding which was worse – getting The Talk from his dad, or from the sheriff. Helen never stuttered though, and Gabe’s smirk behind her back made it all bearable. Lukas is really happy they got checked and cleared in the hospital while there. He can’t even imagine having to go with his dad to an std check-up. The horror.

 

What surprises Lukas most though, is that his father so blatantly accepts Philip once he gets the whole story, told by Lukas himself when everything settles and he’s back home again. He tells him everything, not just about the murders, but things that happened between the boys. Not the intimate stuff, of course. But everything concerning who’s to blame for how it all went down. Lukas makes a huge point out of taking the full blame, but even Bo tries to convince him only the killer is responsible when it comes down to it. It brings them closer to each other, and they’re finally able to really talk about things.

Lukas has been a bundle of too many feelings for so long, he’s been blind to his father’s commitment to take care of him. But to be fair, Bo’s never been an easy man either, and he literally has to be made aware of his own love for the bottle. Now that he’s finally come out to his father, Lukas musters enough courage to tell him how scared he’s been every time Bo’s had a glass too many. Bo is shaken to his core hearing this from the mouth of his beloved Sally’s only son, and from that moment things change. Lukas doesn’t think his father stops drinking altogether, but at least he never does when Lukas is around anymore. For Lukas, it’s a relief. 

Accepting Philip is one thing though. Watching the boys being affectionate towards each other is not something Bo is ready for just yet. And Lukas knows that. He can see it in his father’s eyes every time Philip gets a little too close. But progress has been made, and in time things will hopefully get better. For now he’s kinda grateful Philip is allowed around the house without questioning.

Lukas thinks he’s never been happier. There’s only one more thing that can make his life complete. He wants to tell Philip that he loves him, and he wants everyone to know that he does.

*

Lukas has had these weird dreams lately, where Philip appears just to disappear again and when he goes looking for him everything he finds is his father and his friends pushing Rose in his arms, telling him this is what he really wants. It usually ends with him screaming; not out loud, but in his dreams. He wakes up all sweaty and shaking and angry because he can’t find the courage to just do something about it, about finally coming out; about telling the world he loves a boy. His father knows. Gabe and Helen knows. Tony has figured it out. That’s about it. He needs everyone to know, so he can finally be himself out in the open; so he can’t hurt Philip anymore. Lukas decides to fix this problem. He’ll force himself to do so because there’s just no way around it. To keep hurting Philip is not an option. He knows exactly how he’s going to do it, and all he needs is for Philip to go to the Red Hook party with him tomorrow.

*

Lukas is waiting for Philip to join him and watches him say good bye to Gabe and Helen. They’ve been at Anne’s apartment, clearing it out and getting his things and there are several boxes sitting on the porch. Philip looks kind of relieved it’s over, and not as tense as he’s been these last few days. If he plays his cards right, Lukas might get Philip on board for the party without making it obvious that he really needs him to.

They greet each other with a smile, a kiss and a hug, and Lukas can’t find it in himself to be uncomfortable in front of Gabe and Helen anymore. They’re almost like family now and he knows they’re happy about Philip and him being together, despite the past and the secrets. He’s allowed to be a teenager, and have issues, and take his time. He’s allowed to be in love. With a boy. It feels really nice. Comforting. He wishes it was that easy with his father. It is easier now; but not like this. He still feels like he can’t kiss Philip in front of his dad. Lukas sighs quietly. Philip just looks at him as they roll the bike down towards the road. There’s something wrong with the ignition and they’ll have to push it downhill to get the bike started.

Lukas turns to look at Philip who’s walking quietly beside him, looking down. He wonders what he’s thinking about. He looks calm and lost in thoughts.

“So I was gonna tell you I had a dream about you last night”, Lukas smiles and Philip looks up at him expectantly. “But maybe it was déjà vu ‘cause we were running down this road with my bike, and then we went to this crazy party in Red Hook and I kissed you in front of everyone.” He grins at Philip.

“Oh, all that happened in your déjà vu?”, Philip asks, a very small smile tugging at the right corner of his lips.

“Yeah, it did.”

Philip looks amused now. “No, Lukas. A déjà vu is something that has already happened, not the future.” He pauses and looks at Lukas’ sly smile. “Oh my god, you’re an idiot. You just completely made that up, right?” he chuckles.

“Maybe, but it got you laughing” Lukas smiles at him. 

“Yeah, it did.” He grins back timidly.

“So, you wanna go to that party in Red Hook?” Lukas holds his breath.

“Yeah, sure.” Philip can’t help but grin, he knows Lukas is trying his best, but that’s about it. Lukas’ heart stutters. He better do this now, or Philip will feel hurt again and he really can’t have that.

“Get behind and push, then!” Lukas starts pushing the bike while running.

“Wait, what? Are you serious about this?”

“All the way to Red Hook, baby!”

*

The engine ignites when they’re almost half the way there and Lukas’ body is shaking with the effort. He doesn’t even want to think about getting home again. 

They get on the bike and before long, they arrive at the party’s location. It’s a large house with a front porch literally flooded with people. Not exactly what either of them hoped for even though Rose had warned them everybody was coming. The front door is open and there are even more people inside, and they’re drinking and dancing and laughing and having fun. Maybe the boys can just quietly sneak past them without anyone noticing. Once they blend in the crowd, no one will pay any attention to them. 

The music is loud and everyone talking, singing and dancing isn’t doing their ears any favors. Lukas wants to cover his ears but he doesn’t. Suddenly they both wonder why they’re here and not in the quiet familiarity of the Caldwell barn.

Lukas knows it’ll be easier meeting up at school on Monday if they just can get past the stumbling block that is people’s opinions, meddlers and bullies. His insides shake a little when he thinks about the fact that he too was a bully not long ago. He knows he has to brush off that feeling right now if he wants to keep Philip safe. There are too many people here and many of them are currently staring at the boys climbing up the stairs to the porch. Lukas is holding Philip by the hand because he just can’t afford to lose him in the crowd; the thought of that makes his stomach almost turn inside out. He looks back at Philip and the boy is pale and looking down at his own feet, brows furrowed and hands sweaty. Not good.

“C’mon” he says, and tugs at Philip’s hand. “I know this house. There’s a back porch and there might not be as many people. Let’s go grab something to drink and get out there.”

They head for the kitchen weaving their way through a crowded hall and living room and for some reason people have stopped staring. Maybe because they can’t really see them holding hands in here; there really are too many people. Or maybe they just don’t care. Lukas manages to finally drag Philip into the kitchen where all the drinks are and decides alcohol isn’t an option tonight. He needs to keep his head clear to keep Philip safe. He doesn’t trust anyone but Rose here. He looks around for her but can’t find her. Oh, well. She’s definitely here somewhere.

“Here”, he says, handing Philip a bottle of beer and grabbing a cherry coke for himself.

“You’re not drinking?” Philip asks eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“Nah, figure I’ll keep my head straight on my shoulders tonight. Besides, we’re not staying for long, it’s too crowded.” He looks at Philip. “You’re ok with that, right?”

“Yeah, I am”, Philip says, and he sounds kind of relieved. They smile at each other.

“Ok, c’mon. Let’s go find the back porch.”

Before they move to leave the kitchen, Rose and Ellie come up to them, Rose giving each of them a hug.

“Hi, guys! You came!” She grins and Ellie does too and Lukas wonders if Rose has told her anything about what she knows about them. He doesn’t even get to send her an inquiring glance before someone shouts at them.

“Hey Lukas!” It’s some kid from his English class, someone he’s barely spoken to before because he’s literally one of the worst class mates Lukas knows; always trying for the popular vote by thrashing other kids. Something even Lukas has done, to Philip; but only because he was scared, and only after everything happened with Philip and he didn’t want anyone to find out about them. He’s kind of scared that this kid will thrash him too now, and he knows he will, he just knows. But he won’t budge. He won’t. He takes Philip by the hand and turns to confront the boy shouting at him.

“Jeff, wassup?” He tries to be nice, giving the kid a fair chance.

“You sucking dick now, Lukas?” Jeff has a smirk plastered all over his face, and he’s feeling rather smug when he sees a couple other guys and girls casting curious and condescending glances at the two boys holding hands. There’s an ugly laugh coming from somewhere in the crowd around them now. “Looks like you’ve found yourself a real doll, man!” Jeff makes a face and smooches the air, faking a kiss on the cheek of one of the boys standing next to him. “Yuck! Save that for the little fag!” The boy is Jeff’s equally distasteful friend.

“You mean the doll?” Jeff looks at Philip the wrong way and Lukas feels the fear he thought would drown him actually leave him, and instead he’s getting really angry when he sees some of the faces around him. Rose and Ellie look appalled, and they’re getting angry too. Only Philip looks like he wants to hide, getting smaller and smaller and tugging at Lukas’ hand. “Let’s go”, he says quietly, “we really don’t need to stay.”

Lukas is so angry now he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to punch the teeth out of Jeff’s mouth and tell him to suck his own dick, but somehow he comes to the conclusion it’s the wrong thing to do. He knows he’s stronger than Jeff – usually. But his wound still isn’t completely healed and he doesn’t want to go down watching Philip go down with him. He does the only thing he believes he can, which he was going to do anyway, just – not exactly like this. He didn’t want to do it because of Jeff. He wanted to do it because of Philip. It makes him feel sad, and when he turns to Philip there are tears in his eyes.

Lukas’ hands are trembling when they cup Philip’s face gently. He looks down at him with the softest expression Philip has ever seen on his face. Philip is shaken to the core of his being by what he sees and grabs onto Lukas’ waist. They’re clutching at each other and people are staring. It’s a total cliché, the whole thing – people standing around them staring, some gasping, some making ugly faces. And it shouldn’t be like that. It just shouldn’t. It’s like a stupid movie and it’s dumb, but it’s romantic and dramatic and Philip is about to faint, and Lukas chokes, he can’t seem to find the words he needs to say. When he finally does, he whispers them quietly and sincerely into Philip’s mouth – “I love you, Philip Shea” - swallowing the last breath between them, kissing him softly on the lips.

When their lips part everything’s a little fuzzy around the edges; the people, the room, the noise…everything’s so quiet. They only have eyes for each other. Philip can only see stars, and the sparkle in Lukas’ eyes. Lukas is blinded by Philip’s expression, lighting up the whole room like the sun.

They don’t see nor hear Ellie telling her two brothers to escort Jeff and his friends out of there – “…and anyone – anyone! who won’t leave the boys alone.” Rose is having a fit over a dumb ass kid who can’t stop laughing and gets him out of there too. Most people settle and just go one doing what they came for – drinking, dancing, socializing. 

Two boys kissing? What did you say? No big deal. C’mon, let’s dance!

*

Philip is speechless. He’s breathless. He’s never ever in his miserable life experienced anything remotely like this. Romance. Drama. Someone risking their own name and reputation. For him. For Philip Shea. 

Philip’s chest is caving. It’s in ruins. His head spins. He leans heavily on Lukas, his head tucked under Lukas’ chin, resting safely in his arms. Philip is holding back tears and says in a rough voice: “Lukas. Please get us out of here.”

Lukas doesn’t need to be asked twice. He kisses Philip’s forehead and guides him through the crowd and out the same way they came in. Outside, the sky has faded into black, stars sparkling down at them. Lukas drags him towards the bike, stops and kisses him passionately before looking him in the eyes with the most loving expression on his face, thumbs tracking his cheekbones…and could anything be more romantic than this? It’s like a dream come true.

*

“Fuck.” Lukas is wretched. He forgot his bike didn’t work properly and that they’ll have to push it halfway home to get the engine started. He needs to get Philip home. Now. He needs to put his hands on Philip somewhere no one can see the two of them. Somewhere they can lie down, because Lukas can barely stand on his own feet anymore. He’s shaking. The need to be close to Philip right now is an ache tearing him up from the inside. 

He tries the ignition – just in case. He really doesn’t want to get his hopes up just to get them crushed right there on the pavement on the most dramatic night of his life (the murders, the attempted murder on himself , the hidden gun – all that is forgotten now)…but - lo and behold – it works! It works! “Philip, it works! Here, put it on!” Lukas hands Philip his helmet and puts on his own. They get on the bike, both excited, high on what just happened between them, Philip holding on to Lukas so tight he almost loses his breath, but he doesn’t mind. His body aches for Philip to touch it.

They ride under the stars, together; bound so tight by the aching in their bones they shiver in unison when the wind catches their jackets and cools their bodies but not their feelings for each other. Lukas is about to go up in flames. He can almost feel Philip’s heart pounding against his back, through layers of clothes. Philip. Philip. Philip. It’s a never ending song in his head.

Lukas stops the bike and kills the engine just before they reach the Caldwell property. They push the bike up the hill and into the barn in silence. They can’t take their eyes off of each other. 

The night is dark but the string lights Philip hung up around their little nest in the barn yesterday glow like fallen stars and Lukas thinks he must be dreaming when Philip passionately drags him down onto the comforter. They’re on each other immediately. It’s a beautiful mess of fighting limbs, clothes being ripped off, spit-slick lips and wandering tongues over smooth skin. It’s heaven, and Lukas is floating on a cotton candy cloud, the sweet taste of Philip’s mouth so soft glued to his; Philip’s body so pliant and smooth under him, writhing, bucking up, undulating in sensual moves Lukas has never experienced before.

When they’re finally naked Lukas grabs the lube stashed under the upper right corner of the comforter but he can’t find any condoms. He deflates a little, panting into Philip’s mouth.

“I think we’re out of condoms. What do we do?” Lukas’ eyes are pleading and Philip’s eyes are half closed, like he can barely keep them open. He looks up at Lukas, lips red and bruised, mouth slack, short of breath.

“Fuck me, Lukas. I need you in me, now.” His voice is rough and low, warm, passionate. Lukas can’t find a single muscle in his body wanting to disobey.

Lukas pours lube onto his right index finger and Philip spreads out for him.

“Lukas.” It’s just a whisper. A promise.

He positions himself between Philip’s legs, watching his cock twitch in anticipation and strokes it gently while circling Philip’s hole. Philip’s eyes close and he throws his head back. Lukas’ hand is bigger than Philip’s. It’s warm and firm and Philip bucks into his grip in small thrusts, not sure of what he wants most; Lukas’ hand around his cock or Lukas’ finger in his ass. He moans so quietly, so softly, it’s like a kitten’s purr between Lukas’ warm hands when his finger breaches the entrance of what Lukas considers his heaven on earth.

Loosening Philip up, working him open so he can take all of Lukas inside him is one of the things Lukas loves the most. It doesn’t hurt Philip anymore, they’ve done this a few times now. Philip’s anticipation grows and the noises he makes are otherworldly, when Lukas hits his prostate. He knows exactly where to find it now, and watching Philip writhe, hearing him moan with Lukas’s fingers inside him can only compare to the ecstasy on his face when Lukas’ cock fucks him hard and passionately into the comforter, Philip chanting his name between harsh breaths and passionate thrusts.

Philip is ready and he pushes Lukas’ fingers away, tugging at his shoulders without a word. Lukas grabs the lube and slicks his cock up with the cold liquid, but he doesn’t even flinch. He’s burning up inside and he needs the coolness to calm him down a little. He can’t rush things now.

This is the moment he’s been working towards the last minutes. His cock is so hard he’s afraid he’ll hurt Philip. He can’t even imagine what it must be like feeling Philip’s warm insides around him, bare. He’s shaking but Philip is waiting, the softest most angelic smile on his lips. The moment he breaches the gates to heaven, Lukas whispers a soft “I love you”, and he sinks in, slowly, balls deep. He lowers himself down on Philip, hands and arms firmly planted on each side of his head and shoulders, blue eyes drowning in brown, shadow and light caressing their damp skin. Philip’s legs hitch onto his hips, tight, and Lukas is Philip’s entirely, wholeheartedly.

Pink, plush lips parted, inviting. Eyes half closed, lashes so insanely long they caress Lukas’ cheeks when they kiss. A look so warm and full of love it brings tears to Lukas’ eyes. Philip’s face is all there is…until he moves under him, bucks up gently, urging him into action. 

It’s slow at first. The tightness, the warmth. It’s so different from wearing a condom. There’s no barrier between them now. Not an inch of air separating them. Philip nestled between his arms. Lukas’ body cradled by Philip’s legs around his hips. Hands in each other’s hair. The intimacy. The suddenly tender touches, soft lips kissing wordless poems onto each other’s quivering bodies. Eyes speaking of endless love. The moments between long and deep thrusts filled with shuddering breaths. If there is a heaven, it’s here; now.

Lukas thrusts harder; deeper. He angles Philip’s hips so that his cock hits his prostate again and again and again. Philip arches into him, throwing his head back, exposing a pale throat longing to be marked by Lukas’ lips and teeth. Lukas sinks his teeth into the soft flesh, gentle bites followed by soothing lips and a wet tongue trailing down Philip’s jaw to his collarbone. The noises Philip makes…

Lukas’ head spins, his breath catches. He gasps for air. There’s a lump in his chest threatening to burst it open, baring his soul for Philip to take, to claim as his. Lukas is nothing if not Philip’s. This – this, is what he was born to do. To love him, envelope him, to keep him safe, to make him happy. To be whatever Philip needs him to be.

“Lukas.” 

It’s just a whisper. A promise delivered. A dream come true. 

Lukas’ thrusts are fast and sloppy. He can’t control himself anymore.

Pure bliss on Philip’s face as he comes untouched, Lukas’ name on his lips, tears of immense pleasure and complete abandon in his eyes. An endless moment in time, and Lukas stops breathing. The beauty of it all is breathtaking. His release is accompanied by a quiet sob, 

“Philip.” 

His soul is pouring out of him and into Philip and it is all he ever wanted; to give his life for endless love, and he knows, he knows, they can never part after this. Philip’s tight warmth is holding the essence of him inside. It’s more than he could ever have imagined.

Lukas’ chest is glued to Philip’s and his boneless body surrounded by Philip’s arms and legs, clinging to him for dear life. Lukas’ face is nestled into the nook of Philip’s shoulder and tears are running freely from his eyes. Philip is crying too.

It isn’t loud, and it isn’t ugly. It’s the silence of the night filled with the beauty of unconditional love and complete surrender.

It feels liberating. All walls are down now. No barriers between them. It’s just Philip and Lukas. 

Forever, under the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed the ride. It was bumpy, but hopefully worth it, and better towards the end. It's true what they say: the more you write, the better you get. This is my best chapter i believe.
> 
> This has been difficult to write. I wanted it to end, and then again - I didn't. I don't want to let them go, but I have to. I had tears in my eyes writing the last paragraphs. I write about the love I want for myself and for everyone, not just for Lukas and Philip, but for them it was imperative to experience it. To get closure.
> 
> Thanks to all who found the time to read, comment and leave kudos. Thanks for letting me write about what I love, for giving me the oportunity to better my english, to learn from /your/ stories, for supporting me when I don't think I'm good enoug.
> 
> Much love to all <3


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